Posted on by Ramblings of a butterfly

Embracing Vulnerability in Writing: A Personal Story

I’m back again. The dinner was really delicious. I made my Italian Vegetable soup. Full of vitamins and one of my favourite comfort foods. A bowl always warms my heart and soul. While enjoying my soup my brain went into overdrive. This is a common occurrence. But instead of it all rattling around in my brain. I thought I would come back on here and actually write them down.

I am desperate to finish the novel I started years ago. The problem is that I often don’t think people will want to read what I write. This stems back to high school. I let one of my closest friends read the first few chapters of a book I had started writing. Her comments were brutal. She told me that I had no talent and that it was basically a pile of crap. Even writing that down now all these years later, I can still feel the sting of her words.

I took the pages that I had lovingly written. I held a lighter to them. I watched the flames lick the corner of the paper. Then, they engulfed it. I let it burn. It felt as though I was burning a part of myself. Turning my thoughts into ash. Since that day I have struggled to write. If I manage to write? I second-guess myself and am too afraid to share it. What if? The million-dollar question. What if…….?

What if no one wants to read my words?

What if my words hurt someone?

What if what I have to say is not important?

I need to change that narrative into something more positive, something with possibility. Instead of hiding behind my fear of failure, I have decided to share my words. I am reaching out to you all out there. I am making the choice to share. To write. To feel and to be, well to be me.

So in the spirit of being free. I must train my brain to write once more.
We are encouraged to use a writing prompt in the group, to get the creative juices flowing. It helps to ground us. Enabling us to feel, touch, smell and see. And then write about it. Our lovely group leader often brings in physical items for us to use. Then we write. Sometimes we write a few sentences, sometimes we write paragraphs. I find this incredibly powerful. It is also an absolute joy and privilege to hear other’s thoughts on the items that lay before them.

This is something that I am going to try and do here. Some will be fiction, some non-fiction. It will be an exciting way to get back to writing. Then one day, I will hopefully have the courage to actually complete my novel.

If you have any writing prompts you would like me to use and write? Please comment and I will use them and we can see what the outcome will be.

For tonight I will use the following prompt. Write about an incredibly beautiful flower. It should be a flower that you have seen for the first time.

Magic Unseen

In the distance I see a glow, not overly bright but not dim either, somewhere in-between.  I am drawn to it.  The light beckons to me. It calls me. It asks me to come and just rest in the presence of the glow.  

I walk as quickly as I can. Honestly, these days my pace is rather slow. It is also far from graceful. But I continue to make my way towards the glow, with feelings of trepidation, and also hope.

What is it that I seek?  What am I searching for?  It’s not much further to go.  Come on, you've got this!  Just a few more steps and then you can rest in the glow.

The branches from the trees open their canopy. I can see the full extent of the magic.  The sight makes me catch my breath.  I am stunned and awed at the magnificence that lay before me.  Never before have I seen such beauty.  Just being in its presence made me feel beautiful too.  

It is tall and graceful.  Before me is the figure of a woman with her arms held high above her head. She is holding the most beautiful canopy above her.  The canopy is small and delicate, but also large and dense.  The canopy was adorned with delicate, snowflake flowers in pinks, silver and white.  I am mesmerised!  I continue to watch and marvel at the small sparks of magic as it flickers above me, from its branches. 

Standing here I can feel the warmth from the glow.  It is all encompassing. I feel safe.  I can also feel peace and love. How is it that I can stand before such exquisiteness and feel safe and loved?  

I can't imagine having to leave this space.  The magical sparks are floating all around the tree as well as all around me.  As the magic touches me it transforms me into a tree.  With a deep breath in and a slow exaggerated exhale,  I understand.   I too am now capable of reaching high above as I hold the canopy of magic. I notice that the glow is the love that emanates from within me. It spreads towards all that is around me. I too am graceful and magical and so full of love.  I give this love freely and wholly and I know that this is exactly where I need to be.


Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing your ideas.  Have a restful night my beautiful butterflies.  Sweet Dreams

Always,

Butterfly B

Posted on by Ramblings of a butterfly

Finding My Voice in a Writing Group

Hello again! I know it’s been a while. Things have been pretty busy, but honestly, I haven’t been writing nearly enough. So, I will set myself a goal of writing every day, or at least every other day.

Through the amazing power of Facebook. I found a local writing group. I was absolutely terrified. I’m not great in social situations, (I overshare, a lot!) The lady who runs it is down-to-earth and friendly. It is a small group. The other members are caring, accepting and talented. I want to share a few pieces I have written in the group. The group has encouraged me to do this; especially the poem I wrote last week.

As a group, we came up with a prompt. Our theme was Substrate. I had to look that up too! My idea was as follows: It is my birthday today and still I feel unseen.

I didn’t intend to write a poem it just began rhyming so I went with it.

Birthday caterpillar
Today is my birthday, 
but what does it mean?
I know that I am little,
but I wish that I could be seen.

With all my hundreds of little legs,
I still barely make a sound.
As I walk through the garden,
Across a cold and soggy ground.

Maybe I am like the soil?
Dirty, dark and cold.
But I know my life is ending.
A caterpillar can't get old.

My many legs are weary
As my birthday comes to an end.
It's time for me to close my eyes,
No more time for pretend.

Before I sleep,
I have work to do.
I must make my cocoon,
So I can be beautiful for you.

So as my life in this form ends, 
Another emerges into the light.
I can finally spread my wings
Stretch them and take flight.

Now that I am a beautiful butterfly,
I no longer feel unseen.
As children marvel at my beauty,
I now feel like a queen.

My name is after all,
Full of royal titles and beauty too.
I am a monarch butterfly, 
And I can't wait to meet you.


That's all for now.  I need to get dinner sorted for the kiddiwinkles.  Hope you are all having an amazing day.

Butterfly B

Posted on by Ramblings of a butterfly

From Swamp to Patio: A DIY Adventure

It has been an interesting few days over here in my butterfly world. I like to think of myself as a strong and independent woman. Someone who will rise to any challenge. I will teach myself if I don’t know how to do something. I have the perfect example to illustrate just how capable I can be. This takes us back a few years. 3 to be precise.

I had water log issues in my back garden. I figured laying a small patio over said swampy area would help to solve the problem. An annoying aspect of my character, is that once I have an idea in my head, I run with it. (This can have both good and disastrous results.)

I decided to source the slabs. Then, planned on finding someone to lay a patio over this area. This would hopefully help prevent the swamp that was now my back garden. Make it a more usable space. A nice place to sit, and not worry about how far the legs of the chair would sink any time someone sat down. I asked around for prices. Sadly… It was going to be a lot more than I had originally thought. I asked a gardener friend for help? He agreed but annoyingly proved completely unreliable. I am not the most patient person at all. Pretty much no patience at all. In my infinite wisdom, I decided that I would give it a go. What could possibly go wrong? My male gardener friend was very clear. He said I would not be able to do it on my own. Now, I’m not sure if I can say this was me being confident, sassy or completely bullheaded. Nevertheless, I decided that this was now a challenge for me to complete without the help of a man.

Cue the complete underestimation. This was definitely going to be a challenge. But I had said that I was going to do it and so I would not back out. I ordered all the supplies, arranged delivery and began to dig my holes. With the sweat dripping off my brow and stinging my eyes, my hands throbbing and completely filthy. I stood back and admired my muddy, slightly less swampy area. I had hoped to feel proud, but instead I felt completely overwhelmed. This was indeed going to be one hell of a project. Now I once again come back to me being bullheaded, stubborn and mostly stupid. In South Africa we had a saying, a Boere make a plan. loosely translated to: an afrikaaner always makes a plan, more pointedly, we will get the job done, no matter what. I kept this in mind. I wanted to show my children, aged 10 and 8, that determination leads to achievement.

Day 2

The delivery of sharp sand and slabs were at the top of my driveway. Quite a long driveway. I had a wheelbarrow with a flat tyre. Not just flat but in need of a completely new wheel. I also had a raised step from the driveway into the back garden. Off I went on the hunt to find a solution. I found a plank of wood and made my makeshift ramp. At this point, I must admit I was feeling accomplished. See I could do this! Wonky wheeled wheelbarrow, off I went to start shoveling my sand. The trip to get the sand was a bit hairy. However, I was completely unprepared for how much harder it would be to push said wonky wheelbarrow filled with sand. At this point, I figured not only would I be getting a new patio, I would be gaining muscle too. Extra bonus. Maybe lose some extra pounds. I’m all for that! Leveling the sand was so satisfying. I had my spirit level. I carefully measured in both directions to ensure it was level. I even recorded evidence of how level the sand was. Next was time for Mr wonky to be wheeled to the top of the drive to collect the slabs. Another crucial lesson learnt here. Slabs are heavy. They also don’t fit well in Mr wonky and 3 slabs was the max load per trip. Many swearwords were going through my mind and some even came out of my mouth louder than I intended. The driveway slopes down. This was a relief. Getting it up my makeshift ramp was an entirely different story. Many more curse words, sweat and grunting. I do believe the grunting definitely helped. I now have 3 slabs ready to be laid. At this moment I felt the hope and enthusiasm leave my body all at once. I had 20 slabs to put down. Doing it in trips of three was going to take far longer than I had initially anticipated.

Laying those first 3 slabs and having them perfectly level filled me with joy, and relief. I had proved to myself that I could do it. I took photos to prove just how perfect they were and quickly sent them in whats app to my dad. Yes, I needed the approval and motivation to lay the next 17. The more I collected slabs and lay them, the more tired my muscles became. I was starting to appreciate where the extortionate prices came from. As I ached, I refused to give in. Stupid? Yup, definitely. Would I fail? No chance. If I couldn’t walk or feed myself for a week, it would still be worth it. If only for the bragging rights. I am a woman and laid my own patio. Yes, I was definitely all in for that.

I ran out of daylight so had to pack it in and go to bed. I was filthy, my hands were trembling as they ached so much. I realised that I had muscles in my back and my arse that I didn’t know I had. I stood under the hot water of the shower and enjoyed each droplet as it hit my skin. Bringing with it warmth, comfort and relief. Reminding myself that I was more than halfway there.

Day 3

I woke early and knew I was in for a tough day. Every movement I made my muscles screamed at me. I’m pretty sure they were not only screaming but swearing too. I was definitely swearing. Coffee was more than a morning ritual, it was essential. I looked out the patio doors and reveled in what I had actually achieved. Was it perfect? No! I am no landscape gardener. Was I Proud of myself? Yes, beyond measure. Only 6 more slabs to go and then it was complete. My first ever patio. The children were so proud of me, it was really sweet. They ran to my neighbour to tell her that I was laying a patio all by myself.

Before I packed up the night before, I moved the remaining slabs to the back garden. I wouldn’t have to fight with Mr wonky the next day. Those last 6 slabs went down so much quicker than the day before. Was it because I was more confident? Or was I confident that no one was actually going to get a spirit level to check my work? I don’t even think I knew the answer to that one. But I did it. I laid a patio on my own, with a wonky wheelbarrow, wonky tools and my trusty spirit level. I can’t say exactly which part gave me the most satisfaction. The fact that I didn’t give up, even though I really really wanted to. Was it because I could finally sit on a chair and not have my backside grazing the mud? Or, was it because I taught my children: no matter how hard something is, or how impossible it feels, dedication and the willingness to learn and try is priceless.

3 years on and my patio is still going strong. It’s a bit wonky, but it serves its purpose. The swamp is no more and I have a place to sit and enjoy with my children.

Life is much the same. Wonky, hard, exhausting. One thing I find that helps me to focus. I always envision the end result and know it is worth working for and learning along the way. That is not to say that it will be easy. It may not be enjoyable at times. Keep going, keep learning and keep being uniquely you.

Hope this made you think of something that you have achieved that you didn’t think you had the capacity to achieve. Life is a learning curve and it’s important to take the wins and learn from the mistakes.

Sweet dreams

Butterfly B

Completed patio.
Posted on by Ramblings of a butterfly

Fragility to Strength: My Butterfly Ramblings

Why do I choose the name Butterfly Ramblings? It’s easy really. What do you see when you see a butterfly?

When I see a butterfly, many thoughts spring to mind. Butterflies are so soft and fragile. They are delicate and vulnerable. This is much like how I see myself in many ways. Fragile, vulnerable, soft but perhaps not very delicate. If you had to stop and think about it for a moment. The journey of a butterfly’s life starts in a completely different form. It begins as an egg, to a caterpillar to pupae and finally emerges as a beautiful butterfly. Their journey is filled with many challenges and changes. So too is life! We all end up as something completely different from the baby borne from our mother’s womb. We are not born with the knowledge, or the physicality to walk, talk, or the ability to look after ourselves. But right from our birth, we are equipped with possibility.

We are born fragile and completely dependent on someone to look after us, nurture us and teach us. We are not born independent, but we are born with infinite possibilities. The possibility of growth, knowledge, and change. Maybe more importantly we are born with the capacity of one of life’s greatest gifts. Love. To love others and to feel love too.

Just as the butterfly begins its life as an egg. It hatches as a caterpillar. Its destiny will reveal a completely different form. As humans, we do not change our form as drastically. We are still capable of making recognisable likenesses from babies through to the various different stages of our lives. Babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, young adults and actual adults. From there we progress to the elderly phase. Our transformation takes many many years to finish. A butterfly’s life cycle, depending on the species, can be as short as one month. It can also last up to an entire year. But you are not here to have a lesson on butterflies. But more to understand how I have made the comparison of myself to a butterfly. Who I am as a person and the many transformations that have taken place in my life to date.

Who am I today? Well, I wear many hats as most people do. I am first and foremost a mom to 3 incredible children. Although my eldest has grown up and flown the nest, making a nest of his own with his wife. I am still his mom and now have the added gift of a beautiful daughter-in-law. But mom is just one hat. I am also a daughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, and partner. I am not a partner at the moment, but perhaps one day? I am also a teacher, chef, housekeeper, personal shopper, and a walking encyclopedia. Luckily we now have Alexa and google to help with this. Should you be of a certain age you might well remember a visit to the library. A necessity to access the information from an actual encyclopedia. Use the index to find what you are looking for. Then you had to actually take notes of the information. If you were lucky you would pay for a photocopy. Decadent times if you could afford to pay for a colour photocopy. Ooh, I could ramble on about this. Hence the Ramblings part of the blog name.

Who am I? Even though I wear the many hats mentioned above, there is so much more to me. I have a depth to me that not many people see. If I were to be brave, I would say that I am a singer, writer and poet. But I’m still not that brave. I hope that this will come in time as I explore my thoughts and feelings in this blog. Outwardly, I appear confident, and happy all the time. On the inside? There is so much more. Think of a chocolate eclair, the toffee. It has a hard outer shell with a soft, velvety chocolate surprise. No! I most definitely am not chocolate or velvet, but I am soft, and I have a good heart. I love, even when I know that there will be no love in return. I give of myself, not for recognition or as a weapon against others. I give to others as each and every person has their own hidden story. We all hide in one way or another. We wear a protective shell to shield and protect us from harm. Think of the bark from a tree. What is its purpose? When you look at it, it seems cracked and broken in places. If you run your fingers along its rough surface, you know that it is strong and fragile. It is the tree’s protective shell. It keeps the tree trunk safe and protected. It weathers many storms but still holds its form and stands firm in its purpose. I feel that this is what we all do at one stage or another. In my protective shell, I use humour to deflect my real feelings about life and situations that I can’t change. I find it an absolute necessity to survive. The stark reality is this: If all I thought about was the hurt and pain, the daily struggles. This would minimise all the good that can and does happen. The good that grows from pain. I am blessed in so many ways and I am grateful for the life, family, and friends that I have. But sometimes it is really important to release the hard stuff too.

So what will you see from this site? Variety, struggles, strength, laughter, joy, wins and losses. The delicate and the tough. I hope that you will continue to join me and perhaps, through my brutal honesty, the little bit of crazy. Maybe just maybe, I will be able to make you smile, laugh, and realise that you are not alone. I am here!

So this butterfly wishes you a very good night and I look forward to talking to you again soon.

Butterfly B